Napping earlier with Ghyrn was nice.
Sometimes, he’s absolutely fucking perfect. Like when he was being the perfect uncle to Dominic at the dinner table (even though I gave him that toy to give Dom haha). And when he “terrorizes” Dom and makes him scream. And when he slipped up about feeding Dom sushi. And when my sisters treat him like he’s family. And when he puts Chas to sleep.
Sometimes, this life I’m giving him feels like it’s not enough, though. Those moments that make me feel like I have everything in the world don’t make him feel the same way. That the stress of being with me is not worth the rare moments of joy. Maybe that’s me projecting. Lately, I feel like the stress of being in this relationship isn’t balancing out the happiness we’re supposed to be experiencing.
I’m tired. I need to sleep. So I’m going to sleep with the positive memory of Dominic screaming with joy when I walked through the door. And how Christina said he doesn’t scream for anyone else. Don’t grow up too fast, kid.
Agenda for the week - Catch up with Danny at his Trumaker thing, catch up with Kevin at dinner, work out a lot, review the fire department’s report again. There's some weird shit in there and the tenant seems fuckin crazy.
A random memory from New York popped into my head, where Ghyrn wanted to take me to a nice restaurant before we were going out for the night. When he got frustrated with me in a Korean Fast Food chain because I was fine with eating something cheap, but he wanted to do something nicer. Because he was blaming himself for not doing that research or making a reservation. It was so cute. Him being hard on himself, and me not caring because…I was happy. Even though we fought, that’s a positive memory for me. When we fought because Ghyrn cared about me, and because I wanted him to not feel bad about something minor like a meal because I was loving being with him. Ghyrn thinks I focus on the negative, but some of the “negative” memories I have bring me such happiness. It’s a paradox.
I miss when we used to fight because we cared about each other. Now it feels like we fight because we each want something for ourselves. When did that switch happen? :(
The best birthday I had in recent memory was the Russian River trip where EVERYTHING went wrong, but everything was somehow right. Even the hitch hiking. I loved everything about that trip. I loved that we had each other.
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