8:08AM
I feel like this is helping all around. I feel less like Ghyrn thinks I’m a crazy or delusional person. Like he’s finally understanding that there are legitimate reasons why I’m behaving a certain way, and that everything isn’t a response to things that happened after the restaurant burned down or after my brother-in-law died.
Shit did all kinda hit the fan at the same time though. Welcome to my life.
I slept in (until normal time) today too. Still feel a little bit off from the stomach thing, but I’ll survive. I’ve been taking it easier on it. Ghyrn’s going to hate that there will temporarily be more restrictions on what I eat. He barely just figured out how to order pizza for me in a way where I can actually eat it. I’m not going to be the type of person who quits eating stuff permanently because he’s afraid, though. I feel like there are self-inflicted adverse responses for people who quit eating gluten or other things (for no other good reason than the fad). In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t stopped eating dairy when I initially had the bad response after getting sick.
Going to surprise Ghyrn at the airport tonight muahaha. His plane should be at Terminal 1. Might be tricky to catch him as he’s walking out though. I’ll probably eff it up. I just have to make sure he doesn’t start Uber-ing home without me.
—
2:18PM
Just got off the phone with Chan. Seeing red. She said she got a letter from the IRS saying my dad owed $10K in taxes from 2013. I gave him money in 2014 to pay those taxes. And he pulled out loans since then, but didn’t pay those taxes. It all went down the shitter.
He took the letter from the IRS. I need to get it and pay that because it’s connected to my mom. Basically, I’ll directly pay anything related to my mom, but he's on his own with any of his other debts.
Plus, my sister said he’s been telling people that he needs money, but he’ll pay them back when insurance settles. I'm going to have to have a hard conversation with him soon. If he keeps this up, I’m not going to work my ass off on it anymore.
I’m also thinking of helping my mom divorce my dad. Just to protect her financially.
This is how you lose everything, Dad.
—
6:50PM
Christina called, saying Channon was worried about everything. Had to explain the situation and what I was going to do. Told her not to worry. Told her to tell Chan not to worry.
I had a brief panic attack. A bit of paranoia around the people my dad owes money to. A quick thought that maybe I should move and set up a PO Box. Everything is traceable though.
I’m tired of being the strong one. But I’m glad I’ve somehow convinced my mom, Christina, and Channon that things are going to be okay.
—
8:39PM
Just finished dinner with Charles and Alvin. It was nice to catch up. Sad that Charles broke up with Jen. The long distance thing was getting too hard, with no end in sight. Nothing happened, no one cheated on the other. Four years of medical school and residency is a long time to not see each other regularly. Both of them hated breaking up, but decided it was the right thing to do. Fuck 2016.
Going to surprise G at the airport though. Trying to end this day on a good note.
—
9:49PM
At the airport. Ghyrn’s flight is supposed to land in 7 minutes.
I didn’t even talk about what happened with insurance today. They are basically trying to refuse issuing payment of the remaining lost rent income because they say the lease between the property owners and the business owners has a clause where the tenant is still obligated to pay rent. Bullshit. The adjuster is saying we may need to hire an attorney because the agent is acting in bad faith.
Don't want to go into much more detail here.
—
10:04PM
I didn’t respond to G's texts about descending or landing. He’s probably disappointed right now muahaha. Plus I turned off find my friends muahaha
Friday, May 6, 2016
5/4/2016
7:04AM
I woke up again naturally at 6:12AM, so I decided to just get up and not spend the next hour in bed. Following Amit’s advice. The only thing is that I didn’t feel any more tired last night at 11. So maybe I SHOULD only stay in bed for 7 hours a day.
Amit's still been checking in on me regularly. I really appreciate him. He's dealt with a lot in life too, and is still dealing with a lot, in terms of his mom and the upcoming wedding.
---
9:40PM
I woke up again naturally at 6:12AM, so I decided to just get up and not spend the next hour in bed. Following Amit’s advice. The only thing is that I didn’t feel any more tired last night at 11. So maybe I SHOULD only stay in bed for 7 hours a day.
Amit's still been checking in on me regularly. I really appreciate him. He's dealt with a lot in life too, and is still dealing with a lot, in terms of his mom and the upcoming wedding.
---
9:40PM
U-Jam was nice. Being generally more active and not drinking as much this year feels physically great. Got a little more info on Rosie (my friend from U-Jam) too. I found out a few weeks ago that her husband had passed away in a manner similar to that of Danny, when he was about 40. What I didn't know was that he passed away the morning Rosie's daughter was born. I can't imagine being in that situation.
Christine from U-Jam told me that her sister got deported 10 years ago, but the family decided that her sister's kids would have a better life in the U.S. So she's been raising them ever since. Huge life transition right there.
Lauren's 2-year-old daughter has a congenital heart disease and is in and out of the hospital. She's almost died several times now. Lauren says she's her inspiration to fight back in life.
Sometimes being around them and hearing their stories and how they overcame is what I need. A lot of people have tragedies. Things that have happened that affected decades of their lives.
5/3/2016
7:17AM
I woke up naturally at 6:15AM, so I decided to just get up and not spend the next hour in bed. Ghyrn’s 3 hours ahead now. We’ll see how easy it is to communicate regularly. I kinda miss Michigan. Ann Arbor is nice.
I think what I had yesterday was related to a buildup of stress. Like my body has been doing bad things to itself because I haven’t been sleeping, and last year’s excessive alcohol consumption and eating rich foods all the time caught up to me. I don’t like that my body gave up, but I guess the difference between now and during high school/undergrad is that I’m not young anymore. I need to take it a bit easier.
—
11:08AM
There’s a new admin at work named Krista. She’s a sweet lady, but she’s got a kickass side to her. Steph knew her from a past job, and said that she used to be a pushover. She was always sweet, but before (according to Steph), people would walk all over her and she’d take criticism really hard. And get offended. Her husband and mom have terminal cancer right now. Steph said she was afraid Krista’s family shit would break her, but Krista learned to fight back and be strong for them. I feel like my hardships are taking my “sweet” side away. Maybe I never had one.
—
8:19PM
It’s been nice talking to Ghyrn while he’s going to bed. I hope it’s enough for him.
A day without him is okay because I get to eat whatever I want, eat when I’m hungry without waiting for anyone, gym when I want without leaving him behind, and maybe hangout with friends I haven’t seen in a while because they don’t share his values. I miss him usually after a day though. Even after 5 years. I never let him see that anymore, though. Maybe it’s a part of the “I won’t let you see my vulnerabilities” stupid thing I do.
Part of it’s also jealousy over not sharing in his life while he’s gone for more than a day. But I still miss him.
I woke up naturally at 6:15AM, so I decided to just get up and not spend the next hour in bed. Ghyrn’s 3 hours ahead now. We’ll see how easy it is to communicate regularly. I kinda miss Michigan. Ann Arbor is nice.
I think what I had yesterday was related to a buildup of stress. Like my body has been doing bad things to itself because I haven’t been sleeping, and last year’s excessive alcohol consumption and eating rich foods all the time caught up to me. I don’t like that my body gave up, but I guess the difference between now and during high school/undergrad is that I’m not young anymore. I need to take it a bit easier.
—
11:08AM
There’s a new admin at work named Krista. She’s a sweet lady, but she’s got a kickass side to her. Steph knew her from a past job, and said that she used to be a pushover. She was always sweet, but before (according to Steph), people would walk all over her and she’d take criticism really hard. And get offended. Her husband and mom have terminal cancer right now. Steph said she was afraid Krista’s family shit would break her, but Krista learned to fight back and be strong for them. I feel like my hardships are taking my “sweet” side away. Maybe I never had one.
—
8:19PM
It’s been nice talking to Ghyrn while he’s going to bed. I hope it’s enough for him.
A day without him is okay because I get to eat whatever I want, eat when I’m hungry without waiting for anyone, gym when I want without leaving him behind, and maybe hangout with friends I haven’t seen in a while because they don’t share his values. I miss him usually after a day though. Even after 5 years. I never let him see that anymore, though. Maybe it’s a part of the “I won’t let you see my vulnerabilities” stupid thing I do.
Part of it’s also jealousy over not sharing in his life while he’s gone for more than a day. But I still miss him.
5/2/2016
8:41AM
Ghyrn’s going to Michigan for a few days. Part of the reason I feel like I should go to Arizona is because if I don’t I’m not going to see him from like today through next Sunday or Monday. Also, I kinda wish James was going though, because then I wouldn’t be putting G and Mom in the awkward situation of having to explain the elephant in the room. I’m leaning toward staying back, but there isn’t a good reason to.
The thing is, I really love seeing Ghyrn outside of the Bay Area. Outside of the Silicon Valley douchiness, outside of him trying to be perceived in certain ways. I love that he has Aaron Wake and the Wakes in his life, that he and Aaron call each other on their birthdays. I love seeing that, being a part of things like being subject to Aaron’s sharp sense of humor, wheeling Aaron to the bathroom, etc. Experiences like these undo the parts of me that (maybe erroneously) resent Ghyrn for being a jerk. See??? I’m not all negative. I’m a perfect balance of negative and positive. I’m realistic.
Also don’t really want to go to Uncle Bob’s thing and see older people from church that I don’t really want to catch up with. I kinda just need to get away.
—
10:42PM
I came home early from work. Sharp pains in my stomach building from ~9AM to ~12:30PM. I had to leave mid-meeting, so you know it was bad. Basically, I couldn’t even eat lunch during the meeting, and then the pain was so bad I ditched to go sit in the bathroom. The pain made me feel like I was going to puke, I just dry heaved and nothing came out. Then I started sweating. Enough to drench my shirt. I don’t remember the walk back to the office or the train, but I was able to text D to let her know what was up. She’s kinda my best work friend. We don’t really have to spend any time together, but we talk all the time and know we care about each other as friends. Plus, we can say whatever we want to each other without fear of repercussions or fear of being misunderstood.
Basically slept on and off from 2PM through now. My body probably needed it. Ghyrn was sweet and got me stuff too. Chicken soup, crackers, and medicine. It probably made him feel bad that the crackers had milk in them, but I tried to use everything else he brought. Feels like he was next to me or packing in the same room the whole time I was sleeping. For like 3 hours. That was nice. That’s where I fail. I’m the type of person to give you what you need to make you physically better, but then I just take off because I can’t just sit in one place at home. I need to get better about that.
I wonder who he was going to have check on me. I hate people seeing me sick.
Ghyrn’s going to Michigan for a few days. Part of the reason I feel like I should go to Arizona is because if I don’t I’m not going to see him from like today through next Sunday or Monday. Also, I kinda wish James was going though, because then I wouldn’t be putting G and Mom in the awkward situation of having to explain the elephant in the room. I’m leaning toward staying back, but there isn’t a good reason to.
The thing is, I really love seeing Ghyrn outside of the Bay Area. Outside of the Silicon Valley douchiness, outside of him trying to be perceived in certain ways. I love that he has Aaron Wake and the Wakes in his life, that he and Aaron call each other on their birthdays. I love seeing that, being a part of things like being subject to Aaron’s sharp sense of humor, wheeling Aaron to the bathroom, etc. Experiences like these undo the parts of me that (maybe erroneously) resent Ghyrn for being a jerk. See??? I’m not all negative. I’m a perfect balance of negative and positive. I’m realistic.
Also don’t really want to go to Uncle Bob’s thing and see older people from church that I don’t really want to catch up with. I kinda just need to get away.
—
10:42PM
I came home early from work. Sharp pains in my stomach building from ~9AM to ~12:30PM. I had to leave mid-meeting, so you know it was bad. Basically, I couldn’t even eat lunch during the meeting, and then the pain was so bad I ditched to go sit in the bathroom. The pain made me feel like I was going to puke, I just dry heaved and nothing came out. Then I started sweating. Enough to drench my shirt. I don’t remember the walk back to the office or the train, but I was able to text D to let her know what was up. She’s kinda my best work friend. We don’t really have to spend any time together, but we talk all the time and know we care about each other as friends. Plus, we can say whatever we want to each other without fear of repercussions or fear of being misunderstood.
Basically slept on and off from 2PM through now. My body probably needed it. Ghyrn was sweet and got me stuff too. Chicken soup, crackers, and medicine. It probably made him feel bad that the crackers had milk in them, but I tried to use everything else he brought. Feels like he was next to me or packing in the same room the whole time I was sleeping. For like 3 hours. That was nice. That’s where I fail. I’m the type of person to give you what you need to make you physically better, but then I just take off because I can’t just sit in one place at home. I need to get better about that.
I wonder who he was going to have check on me. I hate people seeing me sick.
5/1/2016
8:42PM
Napping earlier with Ghyrn was nice.
Sometimes, he’s absolutely fucking perfect. Like when he was being the perfect uncle to Dominic at the dinner table (even though I gave him that toy to give Dom haha). And when he “terrorizes” Dom and makes him scream. And when he slipped up about feeding Dom sushi. And when my sisters treat him like he’s family. And when he puts Chas to sleep.
Sometimes, this life I’m giving him feels like it’s not enough, though. Those moments that make me feel like I have everything in the world don’t make him feel the same way. That the stress of being with me is not worth the rare moments of joy. Maybe that’s me projecting. Lately, I feel like the stress of being in this relationship isn’t balancing out the happiness we’re supposed to be experiencing.
I’m tired. I need to sleep. So I’m going to sleep with the positive memory of Dominic screaming with joy when I walked through the door. And how Christina said he doesn’t scream for anyone else. Don’t grow up too fast, kid.
Agenda for the week - Catch up with Danny at his Trumaker thing, catch up with Kevin at dinner, work out a lot, review the fire department’s report again. There's some weird shit in there and the tenant seems fuckin crazy.
A random memory from New York popped into my head, where Ghyrn wanted to take me to a nice restaurant before we were going out for the night. When he got frustrated with me in a Korean Fast Food chain because I was fine with eating something cheap, but he wanted to do something nicer. Because he was blaming himself for not doing that research or making a reservation. It was so cute. Him being hard on himself, and me not caring because…I was happy. Even though we fought, that’s a positive memory for me. When we fought because Ghyrn cared about me, and because I wanted him to not feel bad about something minor like a meal because I was loving being with him. Ghyrn thinks I focus on the negative, but some of the “negative” memories I have bring me such happiness. It’s a paradox.
I miss when we used to fight because we cared about each other. Now it feels like we fight because we each want something for ourselves. When did that switch happen? :(
The best birthday I had in recent memory was the Russian River trip where EVERYTHING went wrong, but everything was somehow right. Even the hitch hiking. I loved everything about that trip. I loved that we had each other.
Napping earlier with Ghyrn was nice.
Sometimes, he’s absolutely fucking perfect. Like when he was being the perfect uncle to Dominic at the dinner table (even though I gave him that toy to give Dom haha). And when he “terrorizes” Dom and makes him scream. And when he slipped up about feeding Dom sushi. And when my sisters treat him like he’s family. And when he puts Chas to sleep.
Sometimes, this life I’m giving him feels like it’s not enough, though. Those moments that make me feel like I have everything in the world don’t make him feel the same way. That the stress of being with me is not worth the rare moments of joy. Maybe that’s me projecting. Lately, I feel like the stress of being in this relationship isn’t balancing out the happiness we’re supposed to be experiencing.
I’m tired. I need to sleep. So I’m going to sleep with the positive memory of Dominic screaming with joy when I walked through the door. And how Christina said he doesn’t scream for anyone else. Don’t grow up too fast, kid.
Agenda for the week - Catch up with Danny at his Trumaker thing, catch up with Kevin at dinner, work out a lot, review the fire department’s report again. There's some weird shit in there and the tenant seems fuckin crazy.
A random memory from New York popped into my head, where Ghyrn wanted to take me to a nice restaurant before we were going out for the night. When he got frustrated with me in a Korean Fast Food chain because I was fine with eating something cheap, but he wanted to do something nicer. Because he was blaming himself for not doing that research or making a reservation. It was so cute. Him being hard on himself, and me not caring because…I was happy. Even though we fought, that’s a positive memory for me. When we fought because Ghyrn cared about me, and because I wanted him to not feel bad about something minor like a meal because I was loving being with him. Ghyrn thinks I focus on the negative, but some of the “negative” memories I have bring me such happiness. It’s a paradox.
I miss when we used to fight because we cared about each other. Now it feels like we fight because we each want something for ourselves. When did that switch happen? :(
The best birthday I had in recent memory was the Russian River trip where EVERYTHING went wrong, but everything was somehow right. Even the hitch hiking. I loved everything about that trip. I loved that we had each other.
4/20/2016
8:10AM
Shitty start to the morning. Someone hacked into my Chase online account and used all of my rewards points to buy online gift cards. People are really shitty. Running to meet James and Will at PAO so we can start the annual stuff.
I’ve been thinking about how I am, how my family is, and what the next 20 years of my life will be like. It won’t be easy being with me. Statistically, I’m supposed to go through deep depression two more times in my lifetime. I don’t think Ghyrn knew what he signed up for. Maybe he’s trying to find a nice way out of it. If he wants a Palo Alto housewife, we’re never going to make each other happy anyway.
At least this time I’m trying to address the depression with help, rather than just drinking my way through the it and then ultimately relying on God. The funny thing is, I don’t think I was ever happier and more at peace than I was during grad school. I really miss 2009-2011.
—
12:22PM
No reception in the hangar. Got a voicemail from dad when I went out to take a break. I was ready for attack mode if he was calling to ask me more money. Listened to the voicemail and it was pretty cryptic. Just a “can you call me back”.
Ok. Called dad back. Apparently, the Credit Union next door to the restaurant actually filed a lawsuit against us. I can never know for sure if what he’s telling me is accurate though. A lot gets lost in translation. Right now, with the Berkeley stuff, I’m operating in a mode of: if stuff doesn’t directly slap me across the face, I’m not going to worry about it.
I feel like I’m doing everything I’m doing out of a sense of responsibility. Out of a sense of reducing the amount of shit i’m going to have to deal with later on (i.e., when the parents are old or sick, etc.). Not out of a sense of love.
—
11:26PM
Splitting up to grab what we each wanted for “dinner”, and then meeting at home was nice.
Today was nice, though. I felt like we were a part of something, working productively on something together. See? Positive thoughts.
Shitty start to the morning. Someone hacked into my Chase online account and used all of my rewards points to buy online gift cards. People are really shitty. Running to meet James and Will at PAO so we can start the annual stuff.
I’ve been thinking about how I am, how my family is, and what the next 20 years of my life will be like. It won’t be easy being with me. Statistically, I’m supposed to go through deep depression two more times in my lifetime. I don’t think Ghyrn knew what he signed up for. Maybe he’s trying to find a nice way out of it. If he wants a Palo Alto housewife, we’re never going to make each other happy anyway.
At least this time I’m trying to address the depression with help, rather than just drinking my way through the it and then ultimately relying on God. The funny thing is, I don’t think I was ever happier and more at peace than I was during grad school. I really miss 2009-2011.
—
12:22PM
No reception in the hangar. Got a voicemail from dad when I went out to take a break. I was ready for attack mode if he was calling to ask me more money. Listened to the voicemail and it was pretty cryptic. Just a “can you call me back”.
Ok. Called dad back. Apparently, the Credit Union next door to the restaurant actually filed a lawsuit against us. I can never know for sure if what he’s telling me is accurate though. A lot gets lost in translation. Right now, with the Berkeley stuff, I’m operating in a mode of: if stuff doesn’t directly slap me across the face, I’m not going to worry about it.
I feel like I’m doing everything I’m doing out of a sense of responsibility. Out of a sense of reducing the amount of shit i’m going to have to deal with later on (i.e., when the parents are old or sick, etc.). Not out of a sense of love.
—
11:26PM
Splitting up to grab what we each wanted for “dinner”, and then meeting at home was nice.
Today was nice, though. I felt like we were a part of something, working productively on something together. See? Positive thoughts.
4/29/2016
8:03AM
No sleep again. Sigh. At least it’s Friday.
I dropped off Suki helllla early. It’s so sad when she gets so excited to go somewhere, and then realizes it’s to the vet. I signed the forms and approved resuscitation if anything happens. She’s like my third best friend at this point. I’m paranoid that she’ll have a complication or something and I’ll lose her.
I can’t worry about everything, I guess.
Blogging is such a good outlet for me. I did it for years growing up, but just got too busy, I guess. When I die, I definitely won’t have the complaint that my life was uninteresting.
I am looking forward to jumping around with the homies tonight, 180 annual on Saturday, and birthday dinner for Mom on Sunday. It’ll be a good weekend.
No sleep again. Sigh. At least it’s Friday.
I dropped off Suki helllla early. It’s so sad when she gets so excited to go somewhere, and then realizes it’s to the vet. I signed the forms and approved resuscitation if anything happens. She’s like my third best friend at this point. I’m paranoid that she’ll have a complication or something and I’ll lose her.
I can’t worry about everything, I guess.
Blogging is such a good outlet for me. I did it for years growing up, but just got too busy, I guess. When I die, I definitely won’t have the complaint that my life was uninteresting.
I am looking forward to jumping around with the homies tonight, 180 annual on Saturday, and birthday dinner for Mom on Sunday. It’ll be a good weekend.
4/28/2016
8:10AM
Last night was nice. Sleep is magic.
Ghyrn also didn’t put pressure on me and is being patient. I love him for that.
One thing came to mind during the course of this exercise. My mom didn’t show that much, if any, physical affection for us when we were growing up. We hug now when we say bye, but I think there wasn’t any physical affection between us between the ages of 4 and 22 years old. On the flip side, when she was upset at us, she didn’t talk to us or even make eye contact with us. Sometimes for days. There’d still be food on the table though, so I knew she loved us enough for us to be physically okay. And she’d take us to school. I must have gotten used to it or numbed to it at an early age. Maybe that’s why I don’t really attribute any weight to my “negative body language”. I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
Just another shitty piece of my history I’ve dug up in the process of writing stuff down. I feel like this exercise is releasing parts of my subconscious I’ve suppressed.
—
6:14PM
Just got off a call with the Public Adjuster. He’s getting annoyed that my cousin is dragging things on too long. We’ve already lost another week. I thought she was helping before, but now it seems like she’s sabotaging things a bit. Maybe not. Still, she has no urgency because she literally has no skin in the game. She’s not direct kin of the property owners. See why I don’t trust anyone based on my family experiences?
—-
7:01PM
For a moment/afternoon, we feel like a team again.
Last night was nice. Sleep is magic.
Ghyrn also didn’t put pressure on me and is being patient. I love him for that.
One thing came to mind during the course of this exercise. My mom didn’t show that much, if any, physical affection for us when we were growing up. We hug now when we say bye, but I think there wasn’t any physical affection between us between the ages of 4 and 22 years old. On the flip side, when she was upset at us, she didn’t talk to us or even make eye contact with us. Sometimes for days. There’d still be food on the table though, so I knew she loved us enough for us to be physically okay. And she’d take us to school. I must have gotten used to it or numbed to it at an early age. Maybe that’s why I don’t really attribute any weight to my “negative body language”. I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
Just another shitty piece of my history I’ve dug up in the process of writing stuff down. I feel like this exercise is releasing parts of my subconscious I’ve suppressed.
—
6:14PM
Just got off a call with the Public Adjuster. He’s getting annoyed that my cousin is dragging things on too long. We’ve already lost another week. I thought she was helping before, but now it seems like she’s sabotaging things a bit. Maybe not. Still, she has no urgency because she literally has no skin in the game. She’s not direct kin of the property owners. See why I don’t trust anyone based on my family experiences?
—-
7:01PM
For a moment/afternoon, we feel like a team again.
4/27/2016
2:26pm
I just got off of a stressful phone call. My mom was crying because my dad has been asking her siblings for money ($20K). He's now using my sister's situation as an excuse and saying that she needs money. She doesn't. It's all going to gambling and paying off gambling debts. There isn't any street cred in living through this. Only pain. There is no, "at least he died doing what he loved". "At least he tried to leave his family in a good place". "At least he saved his family". Only-he has this "disease" and is dragging his family down with him. Only shame. I'm fighting so I'm not a victim. I've been preparing for this my whole life. It will never be something I'm proud of.
I don't know if I'll have to pull the "you're on your own card". Having to say that to your father. Having to block out the thought of him rotting for a few years, or for the rest of his life. The hurt I'm causing people seems so minuscule. Maybe it's better in the long run for me to be out of their lives. No wonder I'm so fucked up.
---
3:52pm
Mom picked up Dominic from day care and said he asked where uncle Ivan was. They called me on the drive home and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was at work. I was working. He asked if I was at the zoo again. Kid has a good memory. He asked me to take him to the mountain again.
---
8:34pm
Dinner was nice. I don't know how to fix things. I will soon.
I just got off of a stressful phone call. My mom was crying because my dad has been asking her siblings for money ($20K). He's now using my sister's situation as an excuse and saying that she needs money. She doesn't. It's all going to gambling and paying off gambling debts. There isn't any street cred in living through this. Only pain. There is no, "at least he died doing what he loved". "At least he tried to leave his family in a good place". "At least he saved his family". Only-he has this "disease" and is dragging his family down with him. Only shame. I'm fighting so I'm not a victim. I've been preparing for this my whole life. It will never be something I'm proud of.
I don't know if I'll have to pull the "you're on your own card". Having to say that to your father. Having to block out the thought of him rotting for a few years, or for the rest of his life. The hurt I'm causing people seems so minuscule. Maybe it's better in the long run for me to be out of their lives. No wonder I'm so fucked up.
---
3:52pm
Mom picked up Dominic from day care and said he asked where uncle Ivan was. They called me on the drive home and he asked what I was doing. I told him I was at work. I was working. He asked if I was at the zoo again. Kid has a good memory. He asked me to take him to the mountain again.
---
8:34pm
Dinner was nice. I don't know how to fix things. I will soon.
Foxtrot 2016
See what I did there with the title? Surprised it was available. Anyway, 2016 hasn't been an easy year so far.
Therapy said to start writing down the negative things (and positive things) in my life, so they're all not rattling around in my head. The negative things can fester and cause stress, while the positive things are good to focus on.
Anyway, I knew this already. It was just stressful for some reason to start doing it again "because I have no time".
The stuff in this blog will be filtered. I have a lot of shit in my head. The stuff in this blog will be filtered, but the language will not be. I'm not that kind of guy (anymore).
Hopefully it isn't too depressing overall. I know some of the early posts will be. I had a lot of negative to dump before I could get to the positive.
Therapy said to start writing down the negative things (and positive things) in my life, so they're all not rattling around in my head. The negative things can fester and cause stress, while the positive things are good to focus on.
Anyway, I knew this already. It was just stressful for some reason to start doing it again "because I have no time".
The stuff in this blog will be filtered. I have a lot of shit in my head. The stuff in this blog will be filtered, but the language will not be. I'm not that kind of guy (anymore).
Hopefully it isn't too depressing overall. I know some of the early posts will be. I had a lot of negative to dump before I could get to the positive.
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